Archive | July, 2013

242: Sigh

31 Jul

Well, the doctor called and the MRI was normal, which means no tumor. Relief.

This still means I have to continue seeing specialist until we rule out other possibilities or find what is wrong. My brain has swelling and we need to get to the root of it. Other possibilities are manageable and worse case scenario is a spinal tap or spinal or brain shunt. Unpleasant, but better than a tumor.

I’m still on the verge if a breakdown. I would like to curl up and cry and sleep for days never hearing a single voice. I’m not sure how to break this to my family. I feel guilty. So, I’m just biting my tongue, fighting back the tears and drinking wine. I hope it passes soon. The stress is too much.

On another note, if you get your dog to pee on the Barbie stuff, clean it and it still smells like pee, you get rid if some Barbie stuff. Score.

243: An Escape

30 Jul

Today, I went for my MRI. I have never had one of these so I didn’t know what to expect. Apparently, someone should have told me to bring a flask. My mom would have said to ask for a Valium but she is claustrophobic and dramatic so I dismissed the Valium. It might have been necessary.

I am pretty sensory sensitive so this experience sent me over the edge. First, I was not aware that you would strip completely down expect panties. Second, I didn’t know there were IVs involved where they would shoot liquid into your body as well as extract liquid. I knew about the enclosed tube but not the cage over your head. I heard there would be ear plugs with music. Instead there was just ear plugs. Third, I was not aware of the unimaginable alarm sounds that would go off for the entire 30 min.

Rather than focus in all the things that can freak a person out in this machine, I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the cage. I got cold and tense and my whole body seized up in tension. I was shaking. I was afraid to try to relax because that would make me move. As the alarms went off, I made up the word Nothing to whatever beat I could make. My thoughts were, if I could send the energy of nothing out there, maybe they would find nothing.

Nothing would mean no disease, no MS, no spinal tap, no tumor, no clot, no aneurism, no cancer, no blindness.

Hopefully that tactic worked.

Somewhere in the midst of it though, I just kept thinking, I need a drink. This noise is making me crazy. I need a drink. NOW, MOTHER FUCKER!

Then, I was slid out. More shit put in the IV, given my belongings and told to dress and go home. I hid the fuzzy socks in my purse.

Then on the way home Mr. Mack called and suggested going to Mesa Rosa for dinner. I hate Mesa Rosa. I can almost count on 2 hands the amount of times I have had a panic attack in Mesa Rosa. It is loud and makes me crazy. Literally. All the sudden I hated Mr. Mack. 2 more blocks, and I didn’t really care for Missy Mack either. I wanted to escape. Then I started crying because the stress of this situation should make me want to wrap my arms around the two of them, but instead I want to run.

I have had this feeling before. During my crazy postpartum period, I wanted to be like sleeping with the enemy where Julia Roberts escapes to a quaint town and reinvents herself. Today, I had the running feeling that I have had maybe 3 other times. I want to check into a luxury hotel alone with a book and a bottle of wine. I want to crank the air down super cold, snuggle up in the hotel robe and bed, order room service and read, drink and sleep in silence without one other person. I might stay two nights. Then I would return to my family and we would never mention it.

I also craved a dark quiet bar. I just wanted to go to this bar and drink. Maybe with a friend. A bar like my dad owned. My dad would have been a great person to drink with tonight.

I guess this is crazy.

I love my husband. I love my daughter. At this moment, I need an escape.

244: Mommy Joys

29 Jul

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This is what my day consisted of. That is all Missy Mack’s Barbie shit in the bathtub. Scruffy peed on some Barbie stuff and it was difficult to determined what needed to be cleaned so I dumped it all in the tub with some cleaner and let the soak. Missy Mack told us there was ‘floor liquid’ in her playroom. Floor liquid? WTF?

I love being a mom.

As I ended the day, I was a mom Rock Star! I ordered Missy Mack’s back to school dress. She is so excited.

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She needs some cute leopard shoes!

I also ordered her a new LL Bean backpack. And her school supplies. All online. In my pajamas.

Rock Star.

245: Ya-Ya

28 Jul

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I found this gem on tv tonight. While it is a painful movie to watch, I just love it. Every bit. Well except the beating of her children and that sort of stuff.

Makes me want to read it again. And again and again.

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246: Girl Day

28 Jul

Today, Missy Mack and I had a girl day. Full of fun. We started the day with fancy pedicures. Not your usual pedicure place. Fancy pedicures.

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With Starbucks, of course. Hot chocolate with whip cream and chocolate drizzle for Missy and hazelnut macchiato for mommy.

Then, we went to our favorite, Taco Bueno, for lunch.

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We went to pick up her wedding bow and music camp CD and then we went to Target. We shopped for shoes, clothes, furniture and I indulged in toy aisle dreaming. Then, we found out that my eye drops cost $200. That put a damper on our day, so Mr. Mack took us to my favorite shrimp shack for dinner.

I love my time with my girl. She’s so fun. She requested a mustache on her toes.

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247: Guess What We Are Making

28 Jul

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248: Bad News

25 Jul

Today I went for my annual eye exam, which I skipped last year. I go to an ophthalmologist because my mom has glaucoma. During the exam I learned that my optic nerve is inflamed, which looks like this:

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Scary shit. I wonder if this is how people kill over from an aneurism. It could be a clot, a tumor, an infection and as I couldn’t resist googling, I just learned MS.

Here are the next steps:
MRI
Retina specialist
Neurologist
And who knows.

Fuck!