243: An Escape

30 Jul

Today, I went for my MRI. I have never had one of these so I didn’t know what to expect. Apparently, someone should have told me to bring a flask. My mom would have said to ask for a Valium but she is claustrophobic and dramatic so I dismissed the Valium. It might have been necessary.

I am pretty sensory sensitive so this experience sent me over the edge. First, I was not aware that you would strip completely down expect panties. Second, I didn’t know there were IVs involved where they would shoot liquid into your body as well as extract liquid. I knew about the enclosed tube but not the cage over your head. I heard there would be ear plugs with music. Instead there was just ear plugs. Third, I was not aware of the unimaginable alarm sounds that would go off for the entire 30 min.

Rather than focus in all the things that can freak a person out in this machine, I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the cage. I got cold and tense and my whole body seized up in tension. I was shaking. I was afraid to try to relax because that would make me move. As the alarms went off, I made up the word Nothing to whatever beat I could make. My thoughts were, if I could send the energy of nothing out there, maybe they would find nothing.

Nothing would mean no disease, no MS, no spinal tap, no tumor, no clot, no aneurism, no cancer, no blindness.

Hopefully that tactic worked.

Somewhere in the midst of it though, I just kept thinking, I need a drink. This noise is making me crazy. I need a drink. NOW, MOTHER FUCKER!

Then, I was slid out. More shit put in the IV, given my belongings and told to dress and go home. I hid the fuzzy socks in my purse.

Then on the way home Mr. Mack called and suggested going to Mesa Rosa for dinner. I hate Mesa Rosa. I can almost count on 2 hands the amount of times I have had a panic attack in Mesa Rosa. It is loud and makes me crazy. Literally. All the sudden I hated Mr. Mack. 2 more blocks, and I didn’t really care for Missy Mack either. I wanted to escape. Then I started crying because the stress of this situation should make me want to wrap my arms around the two of them, but instead I want to run.

I have had this feeling before. During my crazy postpartum period, I wanted to be like sleeping with the enemy where Julia Roberts escapes to a quaint town and reinvents herself. Today, I had the running feeling that I have had maybe 3 other times. I want to check into a luxury hotel alone with a book and a bottle of wine. I want to crank the air down super cold, snuggle up in the hotel robe and bed, order room service and read, drink and sleep in silence without one other person. I might stay two nights. Then I would return to my family and we would never mention it.

I also craved a dark quiet bar. I just wanted to go to this bar and drink. Maybe with a friend. A bar like my dad owned. My dad would have been a great person to drink with tonight.

I guess this is crazy.

I love my husband. I love my daughter. At this moment, I need an escape.


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